Why in the World Would I Ever Get Married?
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The history of marriage is often skewed depending on who is talking about it. For some, the sacrament of marriage is just that – religious tradition steeped in the sacred (and in this context, it usually means only between a man and a woman). For others, marriage was created as a political and economic ploy, if you will – something that sealed alliances and indebted women to men. Still others see it as remnant of a social history that may no longer be pertinent, but something most of us do anyway. Some see it as what you want to do when you love someone; others, as a tax break.
The marriage debate is sure to continue for years to come, particularly considering the issue of gay marriage has made it to the forefront of our culture and it’s not going away. As the Kim Kardashians of the world continue to obliterate any of the religious right’s already feeble arguments about maintaining the “sanctity” of marriage, I start to wonder more about those of us who, thanks to our church-approved heterosexuality, have the right to marry, but don’t want to marry. And what happens when we end up with one of those people who does want to marry?
It may seem silly to even ponder this question – many are fighting for this “right”, so why wouldn’t those who have it already ride on that gravy train? Plus, isn’t it just semantics? Really, the issue is timing: many men throughout history have had to be “nudged” into marriage, right? (or so our culture would like us to believe.)
What happens, though, when it’s not the stereotypical cold-feet man who is refusing to walk down the aisle, but the stereotypical always-imagined-her-wedding day female who is screaming, “not in this lifetime”?
Every Woman Dreams of Her Wedding Day
I can imagine it might be an involuntary reaction for some of you to think, “well, she could be talked into it.” I can imagine I might think the same thing if I were reading an article by someone else about a woman not wanting to get married; it is so pounded into our subconscious that every woman, on some level, wants to be married, why would we believe otherwise? Instead, though, I’m the ‘she’ to which almost every person raises their eyebrows when I say I’m not interested in getting married.
No really, I’m not. Not just saying that because I’m 32. Not saying it because I secretly do want to marry but think it’s not possible. Not saying it because secretly I’m jealous of all the struggling and unhappy married couples I know.*
What I don’t understand is why I have to explain why I’m not into it. Would you like to take a look at the divorce rate? (and EVERYONE says it won’t be them when they first get married.) Would you like to point out to me more than three couples you know that have been married over 10 years that are still in romantic love, and not the companion or brother/sister kind? You want to show me more than a shot-in-the-dark relationship that has lasted over 15 years which hasn’t seen one or both partners cheat on each other, with or without the other’s knowledge?
I’m waiting.
Stiiiiiill waiting.
The Verdict is: Fail
I know I may sound bitter, but I really don’t mean to come off that way. I’m not against the idea of marriage. The words “I’m never getting married” will not come out of my mouth because I don’t believe in absolutes (and as soon as you say you aren’t going to do something, you will). But I see marriage as a mirage of sorts, something that we’ve bought into as a society that has about as much worth and value as our deteriorating bank system. To me, it just seems a set-up to fail.
I whole-heartedly believe in love. I even believe that some people are meant to be with only one person the rest of their lives. I just don’t believe that’s true for most people. And I think if more people looked deeply into their hearts and their actions in the world, they’d find it wasn’t true for them, either.
It’s funny to me how in general, as Americans, we need double-blind placebo controlled studies to determine if it’s safe to take a 500mg supplement of vitamin C, which is impossible to overdose on. Yet we can look marriage statistics right in the eye and scoff needlessly at them. But in truth, I guess we’re more gamblers than anything else, especially when the odds are against us. We want to be the ones who are left standing in the end.
But being one of the few who doesn’t want to marry (at least out of the haven’t-previously-been-married set), I can more easily push away society’s expectations of me than I can my partner’s. I can imagine at some point in some relationship, my decision might be taken personally, rather than being seen as a part of my larger belief system.
There’s still that societal pressure lurking somewhere under the surface: “well, if you really loved him, you’d want to marry him.”
And “if you really loved him, you’d want to have babies with him.”
Or, my favorite – “just wait a few more years. You’ll want to then.”
Maybe. Maybe not.
*I also know plenty of happily married people, so don’t throw stones.